"Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." Ephesians 4:26 NAS
"The angry man is never right." Confucius
"Confucius never drove a car in China." Bill Brown [See "Darwinian Driving in China"]
It is ironic that Kipling wrote that "if you can keep your head when all about your are losing theirs and blaming it on you...Yours is the earth and everything that's in it." Kipling lost his beautiful Vermont home because of a feud over a hay field with his brother-in-law and best friend. It made international headlines, including The New York Times (May 11, 1896).
After Kipling married he built a home in Brattleboro, Vermont, and bought land from Beatty Balestier, his brother-in-law and his best friend, but promised Beatty he could cut hay from it each season, so imagine Beatty's surprise when Kipling planted flowers on the hay field! They were furious with each other, and a few days later, Beatty drove his wagon in Kipling's path, deliberately causing him to fall off his bicycle. Kipling had him arrested for threatening his life, a lawsuit followed that settled nothing, and Kipling ended up abandoning his beautiful Vermont home and moving abroad-all over some hay.
One things I've come to appreciate about the Chinese is how they keep their cool--especially when engaged in Darwinian Driving (survival of the fastest). It is literally "every man for himself," but although they lay on the horns at each other, they rarely erupt in Road Rage, which has become so endemic in America. Though times may be changing. Over the past two decades, I've performed psychological tests on thousands of Chinese MBA students. They say our personality changes with the environment, and it appears Chinese are changing. In the early 1990s, most were Type B (slower, more patient, more methodical). Today, most are, by far, Type A--fast-paced, driven, impatient, competitive, quicker to anger. (Take an online test to see which type you are).
In our increasingly hectic world, it is hard to heed the injunction "be slow to anger," but we need to find ways to do it. It is not only the right thing spiritually but also better for our bodies and health, and much easier on our family and friends.
1. Be angry. I have no problem obeying those two words! Fortunately, anger itself is not sin; the sin arises in how we act on our anger. If anger were sin, God could not be angry, and Jesus could not have been "exceedingly angry" at the money changers in the temple. So contrary to Confucius' claim that anger is never right, anger can be healthy--as long as it moves us to appropriate action, and not aggression.
2. But sin not. We must control the anger, not let anger control us. 1 Cor. 9:25, "Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things.(NAS). We use self-control by resolving the inner issues before acting outwardly.
3. Be slow to anger (James 1:19; Proverbs 14:29). We cannot be an emotional vacuum, so the only way to become slow to anger is to replace our natural disposition to anger with something else--such as the fruits of the spirit (Galatians 5:22-24) love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control..." Of course, this takes time, and spiritual maturity. I haven't reached that stage in 52 years, and don't know if another 52 would help. Fortunately, I have found ways to delay my response to anger.
4. Slow to respond to anger. This is easier than being slow to anger. Some people count to ten. Others, like me, may have to count to one hundred. But during recent years I've starting using unsent e-mails...
The Unsent E-mail Therapy I write an e-mail to work through the issues, and as an outlet for my anger--and then I don't send it. A few hours later, I reread, think about it, and edit it. By the next day I have usually calmed down enough that I see that, even if I am in the right, I would still be in the wrong to address the issue in such a way, and I either radically edit the e-mail again, or delete it. If I still feel I should act, at least I am acting out of anger, not retaliation. But I've learned the hard way to not put an e-mail address in such letters, because I accidentally sent one! Fortunately, the recipient was much more mature than I, and was amused by my "e-mail therapy" and thought it a healthy way to safely vent frustration.
5. Distinguish between righteous and unrighteous anger. Writing my unsent e-mail gives me time to discern if my anger is justified or not. Paul's anger at the Jews for forcing new Christians to be circumcised was rightenous anger. Saul's anger with David was unjustified. Jesus was, with good reason, "exceedingly angry" when he saw the temple being turned into a "den of thieves." Balaam was wrong in beating his donkey, who turned out to be smarter than Balaam.
6. Don't let anger become aggression. I tend to hold things in until they boil over, and then I get very angry over trifles, and say things that cannot be unsaid. That is verbal aggression, which is as damaging as physical aggression. The only ways I've found to avoid this are 1) prayer, 2) counsel [my wife has a much cooler head about things--at least if it's something that hasn't made her angry herself!], and 3) delayed response (the unsent e-mail helps).
7. Let not the sun do down. Anger is healthy when it drives you to act--but you can't act while you're sleeping. Transform the anger into resolve, and a plan to deal with it, and then sleep in peace. And it might well be that, while you sleep, our Father fights the battle for you.
8. Pick Your Battles I suspect that Jesus encountered enough injustice to make him "exceedingly angry" every day, but it would have been hard on him, and everyone around him, if he spent his entire ministry angry. But Jesus did not go out of his way to seek battles; in fact, he avoided many! He sidestepped some issues (such as paying taxes to Caesar) because His Father had given him his own battles to fight.
If Jesus set limits on himself, how much more do we need limits? If we find ourselves daily at war with the world, no matter how righteous our causes, we may be fighting battles that our Father intended for others. We need to make sure we are in our Father's will, and exercising the fruits of the spirit, which include patience, gentleness, and self-control.
9. Don't provoke anger in others (Colossians 3:21 Proverbs 15:1) "A soft answer turneth away wrath." I learned in business, and here in China, that if we are careful, we can address problems without angering people, which only serves to raise their defenses.
10. Blessed are the peacemakers. There are many opportunities, daily, for righteous anger, but there are also ways to resolve injustice peacefully. And if not--remember that we are called to forgive. When I was in business, I was cheated by several people. I forgave them, and in the end I prospered anyway, but one who cheated me royally came to me later asking for my help! I prayed about it, and did help him. It wasn't enough; he was bankrupt a year later. Which showed me that, truly, "vengeance is mine, saith the Lord." [Though sometimes I wish he'd delegate!]
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