"A devious person spreads quarrels. A gossip separates the closest of friends." Proverbs 16:28
"To indulge in gossip and spreading rumors is to abandon virtue." Confucius
"Everyone Pushes a Falling Fence" Ancient Chinese Proverb
When we moved into our Xiamen University hillside apartment almost 20 years ago, the grounds were covered in scraggly trees and bushes, and no flowers or grass whatsoever. So over the next few years I cleaned up the area, planted fruit trees and flowers, and built a 5 meter high artificial waterfall (from stones, bricks and concrete left over from renovating the apartment).
The crowning touch was my "Sino-U.S." pavilion, which I made with concrete water pipes and a chicken-wire covered iron frame, which I then covered in green Chinese tile. And I of course built a tree house for the boys (which they grew out of, but I did not).
Up a Tree My Chinese neighbors had never seen a tree house and everyone that saw me perched up in the tree, hammering and sawing, asked, "What are you doing, Professor Pan?" (Pan is my Chinese name).
"Building a house!" I replied with a straight face, "so I can sleep here when my wife is mad at me."
"Ai-Yo! Really?!" And that was that--or so I thought. But they told others, and word spread, and next thing I knew the entire university knew that the American professor slept in a tree when his wife was angry. And when this got back to Susan Marie, I really was up a tree!
Even after the children had played in it for years, I think my neighbors still thought I really built it for myself, and only let kids play in it to save face.
This was a good lesson in the power of gossip, and I used it to my advantage a couple years later when I was trying to get a phone installed.
Getting a Line Today, Chinese are ahead of Americans in some things, such as phone technology. China simply bypassed landlines and went straight to cheap, efficient cell phone service. Even the beggars ask for handouts while chatting on their cell phones (no joke!). And if you do want a landline, for internet service or FAX machine, for example, it is installed usually within 24 hours, and for a pittance. So young Chinese nowadays find it hard to believe that less than two decades ago I spent over 400 USD and waited over three years for our first phone--and then got it only because I evoked the power of gossip.
Strategic Gossip After 2 1/2 years, the phone company finally installed lines and phones for our Chinese neighbors but not us. After I'd waited another 1/2 year, I decided to speed things up a bit. I grabbed some electrical tape and wire cutters, propped my wobbly bamboo ladder against the side of the apartment, and spliced a line so we could use the old community phone in our own apartment. I could have added the line in ten minutes but I perched on that ladder for over two hours so as many people as possible could ask, "Professor Pan, what are you doing up there?"
"Oh, don't tell anyone, but I'm connecting the community phone to our apartment. No one uses it now but us, since as you know everyone but us now has a private phone. But I don't want the university to feel bad about it, so don't tell anyone!"
And of course they told everyone, and one week later a work crew knocked on our termite-ridden door (it had more paint than wood), and said, "Professor Pan, we've come to install a phone for you!"
"What a surprise!" I said. And now we had two phones because I kept the other one as well. In one week we'd gone from no phone to two phones--a distinct coup in those days.
Gossip is powerful. With the tree house, gossip got me up a tree. With the phone, gossip got me a line. But both incidents reinforced the fact that, especially in China, we live in a fishbowl, and we should not say or do anything that we don't want shouted from the housetops.
The best thing is to avoid gossip (unless you need a phone installed), because as Paul so tactfully put it, gossip is depravity. In Romans 1:29,30, Paul wrote that mankind, in its depravity, engages in "every kind of evil," and Paul listed "gossip" just before "God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful."
Proverbs 20:19 warns that we should not just avoid gossiping but avoid gossipers as well: "He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets. Therefore do not associate with a gossip." (God's Word Translation). And Proverbs 16:28 warns, "A devious person spreads quarrels. A gossip separates the closest of friends.
Intent: Build up or Tear Down? There is, of course, a difference between gossiping and sharing information. The difference is intent. We share information to build up others; we gossip to build up ourselves by tearing others down--or by giving them a little shove when they're tottering. As ancient Chinese said, "Everyone pushes a falling fence."
Motives and Methods: There is a time and place to share information--even uncomfortable information, but we should examine both our motives and our methods. Jesus himself gives us the right method to handle problems with others (Matthew 18:15-17):
"If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others with you so that every accusation may be verified by two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."
The day will come when God brings to light the secrets of the heart (1 Cor. 4:5). Until then, let us avoid gossip, and ensure that our conversation builds up others, not ourselves. And in closing...
Are You a Gossip? How often do we open a conversation with "Did you hear about?"
Consider these questions:
1. You see a friend do something wrong. You:
a. talk to them
b. pray for them
c. E-mail all all your friends and say, "Don't tell anyone, but I feel burdened to share with you that Joey.... Please pray for him!"
2. You hear Britney Spears is pregnant, getting divorced, and lip synced her last concert:
a. You go online to get the details so you can pray for her.
b. You tell all your friends about her so they can pray for her too.
c. You ignore it because the media inundates us with such juicy news and 1) you only have 24 hours in a day and 2) you have your own circle of friends who really need your prayers and help (unless, of course, you happen to be Britney's friend).
3. A friend at a party tells lies about another of your friends:
a. You listen closely so you can defend your friend later when you tells others about the malicious gossiper.
b. You tell all your friends what was said, and ask them to pray for such gossipers.
c. You, fortunately, are too spiritual for this, and simply walk away.
d. You tell them that you think it is best to discuss such matters face to face with the person they are talking about.
4. You read People Magazine.
Enough said!
Take the "Are You a Gossip?" quiz at Beliefnet.com!
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